Saturday, January 1, 2011

Resolutions for politicians and celebrities

Is this Lady Gaga or a scene from the Day the Earth Stood Still? (Noble Monrose)
As a public service, I have taken the time to recommend New Year’s resolutions for political and public figures.  If they choose to adopt these resolutions, I’m sure it will make for a better 2011 for everyone.

President Barack Obama:  I will listen to the American people when they say no.  Whenever I make a compromise, I’ll try to remember that I made it of my own free will and behave accordingly.

Georgia Governor-elect Nathan Deal:  I will avoid any appearance of impropriety and make sure that my personal business dealings are kept separate from state business.  No more business loans to relatives.

Former Georgia Governor Roy Barnes:  After losing twice, I’ll leave the gubernatorial campaigns to someone else.

Boehner:  The Man with the Tan
Rep. John Boehner (Minority Leader and likely next Speaker of the House):  I will remember that the people sent Republicans to Congress to stop the growth of government and skyrocketing debt, and that they can fire me as easily as they fired Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats.  I will start using a sunscreen with a higher SPF.

Rep. Nancy Pelosi:   I will stop confusing San Franciscans with average Americans. 

Rep. Hank Johnson:  I will study geography and geology to ease my fears about Guam.  I will retire.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton:  I’ll start quietly putting together a campaign committee for 2012… just in case.

Mike Huckabee:  I’ll try to remember that “pardon me” is just an expression.

Christine O’Donnell:  If I ever run for office again, I will not campaign on a platform of “I am not a witch.”

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:  I will realize that I’m living on borrowed time and that, if the US doesn’t get me, the Israelis will.

Kim Jong Un (new leader of North Korea):  I will realize that nuclear weapons does not a great country make and tall hair and platform shoes does not a tall man make.

Snooki and the Kardashian sisters:  I realize most people have no interest in me and I promise to keep my personal life to myself.

Johnson:  Ready for Retirement?
Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook creator):  Whenever we make changes, people always complain.  I won’t make any further changes without winning over focus groups in beta testing.

Oprah:  I promise to follow through with my retirement and not taunt men everywhere by making repeated comebacks.

Rep. Ron Paul:  I will try to get my supporters to calm down and not scare people with outlandish conspiracy theories.

Lady Gaga:  I promise to start buying clothes off the rack and stop looking like a space alien from a 1950s science fiction movie.

Michelle Obama:  I resolve to wear sleeves so fashion reporters can stop joking about my right to “bare arms.”

Who can get enough of Snooki? (Jeff Lewis:
Tiger Woods:  I’ll keep my putter in the bag unless I’m on the golf course.

Osama bin Laden:  I’ll redecorate the cave and become a martyr to the American Predators or Delta Force.

Democrats:  We’ll rethink the whole Keynesian economic theory.  In retrospect, it seems like a bad idea.

Georgia Democrats:  We’re starting to realize that this is a conservative state and Pelosi-Reid-Obama politics doesn’t work here.  We’ll start running candidates who are more moderate to avoid losing everything but metro Atlanta and Athens to the Republicans.

Happy New Year!

No comments: