Monday, July 29, 2019

Satire: Democrats Propose Redistributing Joe Biden’s Poll Numbers

As Democrats approach their second primary debate, there is angst among the 2,352 presidential candidates over Joe Biden’s persistent polling lead. The other candidates and their supporters are reportedly bristling at the fact that Biden, an old, white man, maintains a comfortable polling lead over a diverse selection of candidates that includes women, African Americans, an Asian, a gay man, an aging hippie, and a matched set of white billionaires.

 “He didn’t build that,” Elizabeth Warren said of Biden’s widespread polling support at a recent secret meeting of the Democratic hopefuls. “He inherited most of those voters from Barack Obama since they remember him as Obama’s running mate.”

“That’s called ‘white privilege,’” Kamala Harris added. “He’s taking votes from a black man when there are other black candidates in the race who should be getting those votes.”

Bernie Sanders, who has consistently run a distant second to Biden, argued that taking support from the frontrunner and distributing it to other candidates was the most progressive thing that the Democratic Party could do.

“From each according to his polling numbers to each according to his need,” Sanders quipped, “and I really need another 10 to 15 percent in the polls. Redistributing some of the Joe’s polling numbers is only fair since he has plenty of them and so many of us don’t. We need to share the wealth.”

“That’s right,” said Kirsten Gillibrand.

“I don’t get it,” Sanders continued, “I was a rock star in 2016 and now no one pays attention to me. Isn’t this old Jewish socialist radical enough anymore? I’m still hip.”

“You think you’ve got it bad,” Beto O’Rourke chimed in, “What about me? I almost beat Ted Cruz in Texas just last year and now I can’t get arrested again.”

“I mean seriously, bro,” he continued, “I’m standing up on tables everywhere and generally raising a ruckus, but it’s like no one knows I’m alive. I think I’m having an existential crisis. Maybe if I shot someone on Fifth Avenue.”

“I'd like to buy the world a home and furnish it with love,” spoke up Marianne Williamson, “Grow apple trees and honey bees and snow-white turtle doves… but not just white turtle doves. As I told the prime minister of New Zealand, in my vision of America, turtle doves of all races, creeds, colors and sexual orientations are loved and welcome.”

“Um, yeah,” replied Amy Klobuchar. “That Joe Biden makes me so mad that I could stab him with my salad fork. I was the first moderate in this race and I’m a woman on top of that, don’t you know! If it wasn’t for Joe Biden, I’d be getting those moderate votes.”

“That’s right,” said Kirsten Gillibrand.

“I deserve those poll numbers more than anyone,” exclaimed Andrew Yang. “They talk about Elizabeth Warren’s plans, but I’ve got a plan for everything and my plans are more realistic than hers. Well, except for the universal basic income. I put that in there as a joke. But seriously, if space aliens abduct America’s honeybees, I have a plan for it. It’s on my Yang Gang website.”

“I can pay for those voters,” burst Pete Buttigieg. “Since the first debate, I’ve raked in the donations but only about a dozen voters will admit to supporting me. What sense does that make?”

“That’s because you’re gay,” answered Tulsi Gabbard. “Homosexual men across the country are supporting you and everybody knows that they have lots of money from their careers and since they don’t have kids, they get to keep it. Unlike the cis gender voters with kids whose money goes out as soon as it comes in, your voters have disposable income left over to send to you.”

“That sounds a bit homophobic,” John Hickenlooper jumped in.

“Sorry,” Gabbard replied. “Force of habit. Who are you anyway?”

“I'd like to each the world to sing in perfect harmony,” Williamson broke in. “I'd like to buy the world a coke and keep it company.”

“Yes,” nodded Kirsten Gillibrand gravely.

The door flew open and Joe Biden burst into the room.

“Hey old buddies, what is everybody doing here? I hope you’re not planning to stab Old Joe in the back. Et tu, Kamala?” Biden asked with a raised eyebrow.

“We want your polling numbers, Joe,” Harris replied. “It’s time for some affirmative action so bus your numbers on over to Kamala.”

“It’s for the greater good, Joe,” Elizabeth Warren said. “Modern Democrats are too woke to get behind a white, cis male like you.”

At that point, Biden calmly donned his aviator sunglasses and reached for a double-barrel shotgun that he had concealed just outside the door. Biden fired a blast into the air. Pieces of ceiling tile and shattered glass rained down as the candidates scattered and ran for the exits.

“That always works,” Biden cackled.

The meeting was adjourned.

Originally published on The Resurgent as satire.

No comments: